10 Commandments of Marriage
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble start when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.
Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.
Todays joke
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight
The flight attendant asked passenger John, “Would you like dinner?”
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket. He opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A woman was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
As the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window, the policeman
got out of his vehicle and approached the kid, "I've been waiting for you all day."
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police vehicle
comes up. The cop gets out of his car, walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas."
#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness or a death in your immediate family. But that's it -- no other excuses whatsoever!"
The smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD:
1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, sure you can still breathe, you silly person.
TEN (10) THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU:
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it . . .
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there IS a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun-loving person -- and everyone else does it, too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the Idiot Fool Category.
"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."
It was mealtime during an airline flight
The flight attendant asked passenger John, “Would you like dinner?”
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket. He opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A woman was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
As the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window, the policeman
got out of his vehicle and approached the kid, "I've been waiting for you all day."The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police vehicle
comes up. The cop gets out of his car, walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas."
#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness or a death in your immediate family. But that's it -- no other excuses whatsoever!"
The smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD:
1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, sure you can still breathe, you silly person.
TEN (10) THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU:
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it . . .
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there IS a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun-loving person -- and everyone else does it, too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the Idiot Fool Category.
"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."
